A few months ago a friend suggested that I contribute to the Blank Noise Project. I did not. The thought of exposing something I had kept suppressed for so long, something so personal, so painful wasn’t easy. I read what others had written and felt for Annie, an old friend and even for Hemangini, a stranger. Yes, sexual harassment, street harassment, abusing children are issues we all feel strongly about, but what the heck, almost everyone has dealt with them and I really did not want to leave myself open to every curious eye. So the matter was closed.

And then I had dinner with a close friend. And we discussed why I work from home and refuse to leave my son either with a maid or in a day care centre. And then it all rushed out. The abuse as a child and then inability to deal with it for years. And then shockingly I saw her eyes well up because she had been there too. She is 6 months pregnant and dreading the world her unborn child is coming in to.

…

The details are fuzzy but the horror and the pain and the terror still come back to me. It was spread over almost 5 years and the confusion, the fear and disgust lasted for many years. I read a lot about abuse over the years and learnt to deal with it in my own way.

It manifests itself in different ways. I for one, ended up being a terrified wall flower. Shrinking in to a corner if left alone with a male, panic filling my throat if we went to a crowded place and I found myself being even accidentally brushed against. And very low self worth.

…

And watching my friend’s eyes well up for her unborn child tells its own story and of her trauma. Neither of us told anyone at that time.

I finally told my mother 3 months ago during a phone call. I think it was such a shocking idea for her that she didn’t choose to discuss it any further and neither could I. It was as much as I could do to just get it off my chest. My friend confesses that she will never be able to tell her mother.

We argued over whether we should warn our children at an early age about abuse in no uncertain terms or just keep a close watch on them and ensure that they are never out of sight. Both arguments hold water.

Both the husbands argued against scaring a child and unnecessarily looking at most people with suspicion. The two of us, mother and mother-to-be had our own view point. Her’s was more extreme - warn a child in no uncertain terms, never mind innocence lost.

Mine equally vehement but less extreme. Keep an eye on your child as far as possible and wait till the child is a lot older to be able to distinguish between good and bad touch. If that means my social life or professional life being curtailed, so be it. You do owe it to your own child to do all that you possibly can to prevent sexual abuse, don’t you?

from mad mommas blog - trigger warning on this post

I read this old post in one of my favourite blogs and it brought back to my mind some incidents from my own past. Events that had completely unnerved me and left an indelible mark on me. Nothing really drastic that nonetheless have scarred me for life.

Some of the earliest instances date back to the time when I used to travel by bus and the ’studs’ used to pass leery comments. Crude, obnoxious remarks that were not at all for the ears of a twelve-year old. And then there were the gropers who would pinch your bums and anything else they could get their grubby mitts on. Shouting for help never really worked as no one generally took a blind bit of notice. Plus there was the very real fear that they get caught because of you, they might come with the rest of their goondas and exact revenge on you on the morrow. Then there were those dhoti-clad ones who let their bits hang free and got their kicks by rubbing them against your behind. A hardening organ rubbing against you in a public transport is a very scary thing indeed.

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When I look back, I cannot help but think my parents were rather naive - or blind. In a world full of perverts, they innocently trusted their daughter to travel everywhere by herself and come back home unscathed. Though it was I who insisted on travelling solo by train to Mumbai, I shudder now when I think of what harm I could have befallen me. Or the time when I went to Trivandrum for a friend’s wedding, without even letting her know I was coming as I wanted to surprise her.

My experiences, though thankfully not too serious, still made me rather jittery among men. They made me act out in rather funny ways one of the most memorable ones being this sudden hankering I developed for a big brother. Maybe it was the protectiveness I craved but I tried to fill the void by the only method I knew how by tying rakhi for couple of older guy friends.

At one point, I was rather suspicious of every male I came across even ones linked to me by family. I used to go out of my way to make sure I was never left by myself with any of them. I could also never make eye contact when talking with them and if one of them became genuinely friendly, it only made me suspicious. I even cut off all relations with S’s close friend because me playfully pinched my cheek once. I guess those events have disturbed me a lot more than I gave them credit for.

from desigirls blog - trigger warning on this post too

Blank - that which is not allowed meaning, form or articulation.
Noise - that which heightens, builds itself.
Eve Teasing, as the name suggests,is considered a joke, a prank.Eve Teasing is street sexual harassment. Blank Noise seeks to recognize eve teasing as street sexual harassment and establish it as an issue. Eve teasing may be normal, but is it acceptable? Blank Noise is a public and participatory art project working both online and on the streets of Bangalore, Mumbai , Delhi, Chennai and Hyderabad. We invite you to come along!

from the Blank Noise Project blog, which is an Indian anti sexual harassment project